Keeping the Channel Open
The truth is I generally like to feel like I know what I’m doing. As much as I teach about growth mindset, and the importance of failure on our path of learning, in all honesty, my greatest fear is being caught unprepared. That, and the feeling of incompetence that often accompanies my first forays into unknown territory.
The Soul Restoration Project has been one such step into the unknown. Driven by questions that began as abstract musings and evolved into ideas about artistic impact that I explored in the company of fellow artists on the streets of Portland, I spent much of the summer trying and encountering new things. I was pleased to discover that most of the time, I was able to remain unattached to the results. I stepped outside my comfort zone by seeing the project as a pilot and approaching the many novel experiences as if I were in a laboratory.
There is something, though, about taking hold of space that raises the stakes. This month SRP has taken up residence at the former Albina Arts Center (most widely known as the location of the feminist bookstore on the show Portlandia). As I moved from street events to the unknowns of “pop-up activation,” that stretch outside the comfort zone has started to feel a bit longer. Among the many unknowns: a commercial lease; liability, property and event insurance; electrical, heating, and security systems; business internet and telephone; not to mention cleaning bathrooms and taping down carpets.
As I stumble into the unfamiliar, asking questions and revealing all that I don’t know, that feeling of laboratory and learning is harder to hold onto. And as my sense of responsibility increases, I find myself questioning whether I am the right person to do this — even as a vision of what this space might someday become continues to quicken my heart. In the midst of wrestling with how best to organize my brief time and limited resources and discovering each day how much I don’t know, I wonder if I am worthy of this opportunity, not to mention whether my fledgling vision is possible, reasonable, or useful.
Today I find myself taking comfort in this quote from Martha Graham. “Keep the channel open,” she says. Hold onto the “blessed unrest.” Her words remind me that entering the unknown is the biggest part of what it means to be an artist. These feelings of insufficiency and ill-preparedness are part and parcel of our journey into wherever the work takes us. The other thing I’m coming to realize is that while being an artist who seeks to build community often means leveraging my time, resources, and creativity for the benefit of others, it can also sometimes mean hewing my own vision and allowing the community to support me in reaching it.
So whether this Soul Restoration Project residency in the historic Albina Arts Center is just an extraordinary stroke of luck, or a charge from the universe to steward the legacy of this space for a brief time, it still falls to me to gather up my truths, my questions, my ideas, and my doubts and keep stepping forward with gratitude into the unknown, keeping all channels open.
A Letter to Agnes De Mille from Martha Graham
“There is a vitality,
a life force,
a quickening
that is translated through you into action,
and because there is only one of you in all time,
this expression is unique.
And If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.
The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine
how good it is
nor how valuable it is
nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly
to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate YOU.
Keep the channel open…
No artist is pleased…
There is no satisfaction whatever at anytime
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction
a blessed unrest that keeps us marching
and makes “us” MORE alive than the others.”